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Windsor charity urges couples to embrace mediation ahead of Mother’s Day Thames Valley Family Mediation Service, a Windsor-based family mediation provider, is preparing for an annual surge in enquiries from couples in conflict looking to discuss child arrangements over the Mother’s Day weekend, and ahead of the Easter Holidays. Every March families across the country come together in celebration of all of the mums and mother figures for all of their hard work throughout the year, and to show their appreciation. But according to Thames Valley Family Mediation Service, an affiliate member of National Family Mediation (NFM), for those who are separated from their partners, it can also be a difficult and upsetting time. Especially if it falls on a weekend when their ex is due to have the kids. The charity, which helps families to sort arrangements for children, property, finance and other important matters, says issues relating to a lack of communication and compromise between separating and divorcing couples in relation to child arrangements often arise around national holidays. Alison Crossley, Service Director at Thames Valley Family Mediation Service, comments: “Many parents who are separated or divorced enter March in combative mode, with both Mother’s Day and the Easter holidays just around the corner. Both occasions can be a real bone of contention, especially if the celebrations fall on a weekend when one or other parent doesn’t have the kids. “The same can also be said for both paternal and maternal grandparents, as many people do see these sorts of national holidays as a family affair.” Alison added “We’re used to dealing with difficult topics in mediation. The range of issues that we deal with are emotive, and tensions inevitably run high. However, this is particularly true with cases involving children, and especially around national holidays such as Mother’s Day, and ahead of school holidays.” “Our role is to encourage both parties to find a solution that works for all, and that places the needs and the wellbeing of the children at the heart of the matter. Alison says this includes encouraging parents to be flexible, be reasonable, and to be genuine. She adds: “As soon as people start to argue over who has the kids on what days, you can guarantee that the word ‘Court’ will start to get thrown around. But that is rarely the right solution. It’s costly, it takes forever for a hearing to take place, and you can likely kiss goodbye to any future good will or compromise. “Instead, my advice for people who find themselves in conflict over a change in dates around things such as Mother’s Day, is to be flexible, be reasonable, be genuine and to put the children first.” “Firstly, remember that if mum is separated from her partner, they may not necessarily be able to spend Mother's Day with their children if their parenting plan doesn't allow for any flexibility and the day falls on her ex's allocated weekend. However, the same can also be said for Father’s Day, Christmas, Easter and any other date when a family would have come together to celebrate. “It’s therefore usually in the best interests of both parties to agree some wiggle room that will ultimately benefit everyone – especially the children!” Alison adds that’s it’s important for both parties to be reasonable in their negotiations. “Compromise is key in these situations. Rather than demanding the whole weekend, you may find your ex is more open to an hour or so to enjoy a special brunch or lunch. “In addition, if you are going to request a change to the pre-agreed parenting schedule, make sure it’s something you really do want. “Often, we work with couples who say their ex has a habit of chopping and changing dates just to start an argument. Planning well in advance and being genuine about each request will help to keep things amicable.” Finally, she says it’s really important to always put the kids first. “Everyone would like to think that they only act in the best interests of the children, but when tensions are running high it can be difficult to lose sight of what is right. “You might be angry or upset with your ex, but if your kids want to see their step-mum or grandma this Mother’s Day consider the impact it will have on them if you dig your heels in. If you do find that you can’t agree without support, mediation can help, and is accessible quickly. “Currently couples wanting to discuss children matters can also access the Family Mediation Voucher Scheme, which is worth up to £500, so it really is a great, cost effective solution for all.” Thames Valley Family Mediation Service is a not-for-profit family mediation provider. It forms part of NFM’s national network of affiliated members, which collectively delivers family mediation in over 500 locations across England and Wales, delivering some 16,000 mediations per year. Mediation reduces the conflict in separation, divorce or dissolution of civil partnership. It is also more cost-effective and quicker than using lawyers to negotiate, or using the court process. It also enables people to make their own arrangements for children, property and finance. NFM’s affiliate network of mediators are trained in all aspects of family law.

I’m pleased to say that family mediators are still working across England and Wales, adapting to the current Coronavirus situation, with many using video conferencing as a substitute for in-person meetings. As the largest provider of family mediation, NFM understands it’s essential we continue to provide the means for separating and divorcing couples to make those vital arrangements for parenting, property and money. Goodness knows, there is enough uncertainty surrounding everyone’s lives right now. And separating couples can’t let this unduly compound the anxieties they naturally feel as they look to mould the changed futures of their family members. Moving mediation online is a sensible response to the present situation, and so is a new service NFM is introducing to help people adapt their co-parenting arrangements in view of government-imposed restrictions. We all know that separated parents often have complex child arrangements in place, and for many people these are being thrown high in the air by new Coronavirus rules. Children who split their time between two parents’ homes, for example, may find this is not possible if one parent is self-isolating, and this can place extra pressure on everyone involved. A child might have to enter self-isolation in either place, if a parent shows symptoms, for as long as 14 days under rules at the time of writing. Add to this the fact that some homes will include people in vulnerable groups, such as grandparents. This can mean an expectation on the other parent to step up their childcare responsibilities. What about the impact of school closures on parents’ childcare arrangements?  Who might be best equipped to manage any home-schooling expectations?  And in the middle of it all, there is the danger of overlooking the emotional impact on a child of not being able to see one parent for a long period. There are a few fairly simple steps – ensuring the child has more clothing and belongings in both homes in case circumstances forbid them switching, for example. Setting up Skype or scheduling FaceTime discussions can ensure regular contact with both parents whatever happens. But because every family’s situation is unique, it’s important to find bespoke solutions to the range of issues separated parents are encountering. That is at the heart of the new initiative being undertaken by NFM mediators. NFM’s ‘Co-parenting through Coronavirus’ video conference consultations help parents work with an expert mediator to work out what can be done now to reduce the impact on children’s lives. They will help parents make new or changed plans to help get through the next few months. And that includes the economic impact on financial arrangements for children as people find themselves losing work. We are urging parents to act quickly, and not to wait until the full effects of the virus hit. Making decisions now means preparations will be in place when they are required. Co-parenting cannot wait until all this is over, whenever that may be. Jane Robey Chief Executive, NFM

We're looking for another experienced administrator to help out in our small but busy office, managing diaries and updating our database. We have a high volume of telephone calls so you must be a confident communicator, with excellent accuracy and attention to detail. The hours offered are part-time across 4/5 days Monday to Friday, but there will be some flexibility on both sides. Please email your CV with an indication of salary expectation and preferred working pattern to : recruitment@tvfms.org.uk and we'll be in touch to discuss.

Sorting out the practicalities of separation can be difficult, complicated and stressful, but we aim to make it as pain-free as possible. Our mediators are trained to manage the process professionally, so our clients can focus on the outcomes that work best for everyone, without emotion, blame and recrimination. Often just having a neutral person to guide the discussion is enough to clear the communication blocks and help move things forward. We encourage our clients to give us feedback on how they found the process of mediation, and we read every single comment. It can help us to work out better ways of doing things, but often it reinforces the fact that what we do is really helping our clients. These examples really made us smile: "The mediator was patient, fair, impartial and professional" "It was a useful way of discussing family matters with a neutral person, and helped us to clarify the situation" "The mediator was very calm and helpful. He was honest and open and did not take sides, keeping us informed at each stage" "The session for our child helped him to feel included, and it helped us to understand what he was thinking" "The mediator had a very calm and professional style which really helped. He was direct but not overbearing" "It wasn't an easy process but our mediator was very helpful and steered us through, avoiding the costs of court" We'd be very happy to hear from you, for an informal chat about mediation and how it might be useful in sorting out your own situation. Call us on 01753 830770 or email enquiries@tvfms.org.uk

Limited Time Promotion Thanks to some charitable funding, we can now offer reduced rates on our private/bespoke Kids Come First®. Separated Parent Support Workshops Option 1 Attend together (with the other parent): 2 x 2 hours: £90 per person Option 2 Attend alone (other parent may not attend): 1 x 2 hours: £90 PLUS £10 MIAM discount or 10% discount on mediation session charges for every mediation session or MIAM meeting booked within 30 days of attending a KCF Workshop. AND “For Kids’ Sake!” Guidebook free with every course

It’s a lovely – if somewhat commercialised – opportunity to share some love if you’re feeling it. For many people it’s the one day when you might just stop and think about how you really feel about your SOH. Go and buy that card, send those flowers, cook that fabulous dinner if it feels right. But maybe it doesn’t? Or maybe you’ve moved well past that point, and a ‘Happy Valentine’s Day’ is but a dim and distant memory…. On this day when it can feel that everyone but you is loved up, our advice is to stop worrying about finding love, or regretting the relationships that didn’t work, and start with a bit of self-care. Here’s a few suggestions to start you off - give yourself permission to treat yourself and let your imagination go wild, but keep the focus on you and staying positive. Take some time out – maybe grab a quick coffee with a friend, or make that phone call you’ve been meaning to get round to – you’ll probably both feel supported and less alone after just a few minutes nattering. Have a long soak with some bubbles, or a shower with a bright fresh scented shower gel. Aromatherapy doesn’t need to cost the Earth and it definitely lifts the mood. It will even help you relax and sleep more soundly. Watch that movie you’ve been saving, or search Netflix for something you’d enjoy. If you’ve got nothing in mind and funds are tight, go and raid your local charity shop – most have a huge selection of DVDs for a couple of pounds or less. Grab a snack and a drink, put your feet up, and ignore the world for 90 minutes or so. In the same way, a good book can transport you. Find yourself a comfy spot, turn your phone off for an hour, and escape the everyday for a while. If you don’t fancy being alone and you’ve got time to arrange it, maybe have a few single friends round. Enjoy each other’s company and celebrate your freedom to do just that. If you’ve got the kids for the evening, you could have a heart-fest – make biscuits, cakes, pancakes in heart shapes, find some Hearty Craft Projects, write some silly poems. And maybe if you’re feeling brave…..how about writing yourself a love letter? Think about your qualities – how would your friends describe you? Are you kind, generous, helpful, patient? What are you good at? Do you bake, sew, garden, mend cars, decorate? Are you great at helping with homework, can you always see the funny side of things? We’ve all got so many qualities, and it’s easy most days to drown in the negative. Make today a positive day and remind yourself of the good things about YOU! Happy Valentine’s Day to you!

In Limbo: Brexit Testimonies from EU Citizens in the UK is a fascinating read by Mrs Elena Remigi. She says “Imagine you left your native country because you wanted to explore your neighbouring world and embrace the European dream. Imagine you truly believed that the European Union was your home and that, as well as being a citizen of the country you were born in, you were also a citizen of Europe. Imagine you fell deeply in love with your new country. Imagine you built a life there, married, had children, a career, started a business... You felt happy and totally integrated. You were at home. Then one day, your new country decides to vote to leave the European Union, which means that all the rules you have built your life on are going to change. One morning, after years and even decades, you suddenly feel unwelcome, unwanted, betrayed. Your certainties, your life and your security are gone. Your sense of identity too. Through no fault of your own, you are stuck in a painful limbo” An article written for Blaser Mills solicitors by Alice Crawshaw points out that “London has always been known as the divorce capital of the world. This is largely because of the fairness (or generosity) of her Courts but also because judges in England and Wales are some of the most professional and independent in the world. You might not have realised though that every single divorce in England and Wales is founded on the jurisdictional requirements of an EU law, called Brussels IIa. In times when there are more families living an international lifestyle across the UK and Europe, individuals benefit from the certainty of knowing that Court Orders apply to them and their spouses with a degree of consistency. In England and Wales, we are only becoming a more international country; 27% of children born in England and Wales are born to a foreign mother. Those parents and children will benefit from clear and enforceable laws, designed to protect them, across different jurisdictions. The questions raised in the Justice Committee’s report concern what the alternative would be if we suddenly did away with the EU family laws. The laws in place currently ensure that a parent in England can be certain that the Court Order they have will be enforced by Courts across Europe. That Court Order might be for the return of a child following a holiday, or the payment of maintenance arrears to support a family. If the laws are not reciprocal between the member states, then the “divorce bill” will increase significantly for the individuals concerned, let alone the country as a whole” How are you being affected? Are you concerned about the future for you and your children? If you haven’t already made plans you might want to consider meeting with a mediator and putting some agreements in place now. None of us knows how Brexit might change the way our Family Courts work, but we do know that talking about your options and planning for the future is a positive step you can take to be ready for any changes that may come. Thames Valley Family Mediation Service is proud to have the biggest and most experienced team of mediators in the Thames Valley. Our friendly, affordable, professional service has helped thousands of couples work out a better future for themselves and their children. Call us today on 01753 830770 to find out how we can help you.

Who knew that Monday 7th January 2019 is known this year as ‘Divorce Day’? It’s become a tradition that the first Monday after the festive break sees a huge surge in enquiries from couples who have found the break just too much. The pressure of spending extra time together, or arguing over the chores, or the children, or which relatives to visit on which days can push an already stretched relationship to its limit. Compounded by the sometimes unrealistic expectations for a perfect family Christmas, and the additional financial burdens, couples often seek help around this time. Relate, one of the UK’s biggest and best known relationship charities always reports a peak in calls in January, with an increase of up to 24% compared with an average month. Relate will work with couples who want to try to save their relationship , but warn that it will involve hard work. If you believe you can work together – (and history probably proves that you’ve managed to do this before, right? ) - then it’s almost certainly worth investigating. You’ll have a whole year to figure it out before the next Christmas holiday looms. But what if you don’t think that’s going to be for you? You’ve had enough, and try as you might you can’t see that the two of you will ever work things out enough to continue living under the same roof. Then maybe it’s time to be honest, and talk about a separation plan. We can’t promise this will be easy either, but working with one of our accredited mediators we can take you through a logical process of planning and preparing, so that you both get the best outcome. And if you have children (of a suitable age), we can see them too. Research shows that children are happiest when their views are heard and they feel included in decision-making. Your first meeting with us will be an introduction to the service – find out what we do and how it works, explore the costs and timescales and investigate the alternatives. You can come alone, and your partner doesn’t need to be contacted until you’re ready to take the next step. Or you can just leave it there and give it some more thought – there’s no obligation to move things forward until the timing is right for you. Call or email us to find out more, or explore our free website resources - you’ll find everything from counselling directories, debt management tools, how to get advice on benefits, the law and your rights and support networks. There’s also a section for young people, where you will find tools and information to support the younger family members through the changes ahead. Sometimes change, although difficult, is for the best. We can’t promise a Happy Divorce Day but we can help you make it a turning point if that’s what you need. #DivorceDay #NewYearNewStart #Mediation

With decorations springing up in High Streets across the Thames Valley, anxiety about where children will spend Christmas and New Year is creeping to the forefront of hundreds of separated parents’ minds. “It’s meant to be the happiest time of the year, but for separated parents in our area it can be the worst,” says Alison Crossley, Service Director of Thames Valley Family Mediation Service, an Eton –based charity which helps families reach post-separation agreements on parenting, as well as over property and finance issues. She says arrangements for the festive period can be settled now by working out a simple parenting plan: “Parenting arrangements that work well most of the year are often exposed as not fit-for-purpose when the Christmas holidays loom. “The headache of working out which parent the child sees on which days, and how will they get there, can cause long-standing resentments to resurface, heaping huge additional pressure during an already-stressful time of year. “It’s when supermarkets start playing the festive music, and Christmas trees pop up in shops, that parents who’ve tried not to think about this year’s arrangements find they have no choice. They know that previous settlements, sometimes imposed by divorce courts, no longer work now the child is growing up. “A parenting plan is a simple tool and is easier to achieve than many people think. Agreed by both parents, it covers how the children will be supported and cared for and is tailored to your own unique family circumstances. “It’s flexible so can accommodate holiday periods like Christmas and the summer and, crucially, it can be updated as time moves on. “It can help ensure both separated parents agree arrangements that suit them both and that, crucially, ensure the child has a positive and enjoyable Christmas.” Parents who want to know more can contact Thames Valley Family Mediation Service on 01753 830770 or enquiries@tvfms.org.uk